I used to think of myself as someone with almost no secrets and someone who can share everything with anyone whom I feel comfortable with. It was only recently that I realised that some things are not meant to be shared, or perhaps, could only be shared with a best friend who doesn't judge you at all. It's easy for a friend to say "I won't judge you" but it's never easy to live with it. Subconsciously, people you talk to are forming impressions of you, categorizing you, and eventually speaking to someone about you (sharing all the impressions of you).

That was why I have been keeping certain things to myself; particularly things that shows my flaws. But today, I blurted things out to a friend of mine whom I wouldn't classify as best friend. I felt terrible to have shared my feelings. In fact, I didn't even want to admit these feelings in the first place. I know I shouldn't even have expectations in the first place. As much as I wanted to share badly, I know I shouldn't share it with anyone except my best friend. But because my best friend is my boyfriend, I felt that I shouldn't share it too. I thought everything should just be buried within, and eventually it should vanish without me knowing.

To be honest, these feelings are indeed trivial. What I am concern with is why am I even having such thoughts: why do I expect myself to be specially treated, why must I be your closest friend among the girls, why do I expect you to treat me like how I treat you. Well, just felt that I am in no position to expect myself to be treated as one of your closer friends, or what's more, closest friend among the girls. I just shouldn't expect. This principle of mine applies to my girlfriends; I shouldn't expect anything in return for the things I do, it should always be unconditional.

Sometimes, the amount of effort doesn't matter, personality and affinity does.