1 year ago, he came into my life and started being part of it as time goes by.
I really enjoyed his companionship and felt thankful to have him as my buddy, my confidant.
We went through lots of ups and downs during the year,
but I never imagined that he would actually leave one day.
or perhaps, I just didn't want to face this day.

But eventually, it still came.
And it hit me so hard that I realised how attached I am to him.
I was supposed to keep mum about all these, but it was just too hard.
I ended up telling people whom I trust/need.
That it hurts so badly, to the extent that it affects my daily life.
I don't wish to share with too many, so hopefully it will be kept within the 5 of us.

Confidante asked if I have feelings for him, feelings that were beyond friendship.
I asked myself again and again, but the answer remains no.
I know superboy is the guy I love, the guy I genuinely want to marry.
And I'm clear that Confidant Tan is my buddy, someone that I enjoy being with.
If I had a choice, I would still choose to be his buddy instead of a pretty girl that he'd like.

Another friend described my situation as an addiction,
because I'm simply yearning for the overwhelming sweetness that he once gave.
I needed an antidote to cure this poison but staw had no prescription this time.
But I guess buddy is helping me by giving 0 access to him.
Cause like how people kill their addiction,
the best way is to not have access to it.

It's tough & I know the least I want, is to affect my work, my studies, and my xty role.
My friends told me to take it slow, but how much time do I have.
It is affecting my concentration during work, even during my conversations with people
I can't really bring myself to communicate to him in FT,
for fear that he would ignore me entirely or reply me in a cold manner
that triggers all my emotions once again. I'm afraid to be hurt by him,
because he is someone I care, someone I cherish, and someone I love (as friend).

Bigmummy, so I pray, I pray for your help
in whatever ways you can.
To make everything better for us.
I respect your every decision
and have faith in all your arrangements.
Just no matter what, help me pull through this,
for the betterment of bxb, our jdys and bys.

---------------

and to my dearest self,
I know it hurts, I know there's hatred.
but just know time will dilute all these negativity
what's eventually left will be thankfulness, love, and understanding.