I wish we could talk
I wish we could share our happiness
I wish we could share our troubles
I wish we could be around for each other


I wish
I could know how has he been

I wish time could turnaround
I wish I had less expectations of him
I wish we could be like how we used to be

I wish..
I wish..

1 year ago, he came into my life and started being part of it as time goes by.
I really enjoyed his companionship and felt thankful to have him as my buddy, my confidant.
We went through lots of ups and downs during the year,
but I never imagined that he would actually leave one day.
or perhaps, I just didn't want to face this day.

But eventually, it still came.
And it hit me so hard that I realised how attached I am to him.
I was supposed to keep mum about all these, but it was just too hard.
I ended up telling people whom I trust/need.
That it hurts so badly, to the extent that it affects my daily life.
I don't wish to share with too many, so hopefully it will be kept within the 5 of us.

Confidante asked if I have feelings for him, feelings that were beyond friendship.
I asked myself again and again, but the answer remains no.
I know superboy is the guy I love, the guy I genuinely want to marry.
And I'm clear that Confidant Tan is my buddy, someone that I enjoy being with.
If I had a choice, I would still choose to be his buddy instead of a pretty girl that he'd like.

Another friend described my situation as an addiction,
because I'm simply yearning for the overwhelming sweetness that he once gave.
I needed an antidote to cure this poison but staw had no prescription this time.
But I guess buddy is helping me by giving 0 access to him.
Cause like how people kill their addiction,
the best way is to not have access to it.

It's tough & I know the least I want, is to affect my work, my studies, and my xty role.
My friends told me to take it slow, but how much time do I have.
It is affecting my concentration during work, even during my conversations with people
I can't really bring myself to communicate to him in FT,
for fear that he would ignore me entirely or reply me in a cold manner
that triggers all my emotions once again. I'm afraid to be hurt by him,
because he is someone I care, someone I cherish, and someone I love (as friend).

Bigmummy, so I pray, I pray for your help
in whatever ways you can.
To make everything better for us.
I respect your every decision
and have faith in all your arrangements.
Just no matter what, help me pull through this,
for the betterment of bxb, our jdys and bys.

---------------

and to my dearest self,
I know it hurts, I know there's hatred.
but just know time will dilute all these negativity
what's eventually left will be thankfulness, love, and understanding.

"I think that's probably the worst thing you can feel because you gave your all to this person and all of a sudden things go downhill and you just want to completely forget the existing memories. Honestly, I don't have much advices, but time will eventually heal you. Don't worry too much about that and please don't avoid and block out feelings because when you clog your heart, one day it'll just burst and our feelings will eventually come back. Just accept the fact that the feelings are still present and try to make the best out of the rest of your chapters."

Buddy,

If you're trying hard to get me out of your world
just continue what you're doing,
push harder,
and be a little more patient,
you will get there,
soon.


-----------------

Everything, bottled up in my heart.
I can't even share cause i'm not supposed to pour it out to others.
Just cause of you;
I can't tell staw my health status,
who is my only doctor.
But all these are so poisonous
slowly killing me, my soul, my heart, my body.


When can I break away from you;
the person who once cared so much
but now no longer anymore.

Can I leave?